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Musings of a confused soul.

Its been about 5 months from when i last wrote. It took a long time to come to terms that i am a writer. And yet for varied reasons that did not happen. Now i begin again. This is a free write session – and it stems from confusion and turmoil. Hope the writing untangles my confused soul- as it does most times.

The drudgery of routine.

If only I could make time to write down a few words everyday – the problem is the daily routine. Food, wash, clean, stuff, keep & repeat. This is what happens when you have been on the road too long.  when you say writing can wait. and now I am at one place again – brimming to start. But that will have to wait – there’s garbage to take out. Till her thought pops up. I saw her Insta post – Did she write a love poem?

Me in love? Nah!

I’m not in love. I love her – sure but am not in love. She’s not my type (Read fat & sad) anyways. Even though I am a convicted man (matter on appeal!), without any real attachments, overweight, suffer from a heart condition, live from favour to favour, always looking for the next gig, next job fix. Yeah sure – she’s the defective piece.

Helps & unhelpful landlady.

Almost 9ish. The help comes in by 10 am. She should be coming earlier. This house is pathetic, its unclean & uncool – a 12th floor apartment in a far- flung suburb. Except a few security guards & couple of neighbours, I don’t know anyone here. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. That’s what will get me writing again. I have not written in months. No, the small thoughts & odd poems don’t count. This place is exactly what I need. Still, it’s far.

Do i belong?

What happened to me? When did I become such a busy body? Travel cities, stay in unknown dorms, interview strangers, comfortable sharing my past with absolute strangers? Why am I doing this? I should contact K soon. He will know about the job opening. But then what about the shift to Goa like P suggested. The south of Goa is good – not many people, especially near the border. P spoke about building an outhouse where I could stay. That would be good. Even though I cannot stand P!

Need to get back to exercise – went for a walk yesterday. It’s really hot though. This place is as good as any across the state. There’s a heat wave across the country. I did start cooking, although that was a disaster. While straining the rice, I had left it unattended. The clips holding the vessel slipped & the rice fell into the sink! Salvaged what I could. I should call N to learn how to strain it properly. But then who leaves their kitchen so bare! So, what if they have shifted? She took all the utensils away. Like there are no utensils to buy in Goa. Anyways this will be just another short stint.

Unpaid passions & much needed partnerships.

Should begin writing fast- so many things to be done. S should be getting back to town. There is a load of work to do. I have to tell him that I will be working fixed hours now. Also ask him for money. Hope he hasn’t spent it all on his vacation.

Wonder what do I begin writing about? The artist interviews, research the pandemic, places that I visited, or just start afresh. There’s so much else too that I should look at – pending work, possible job offers (so what if I cannot take them, would be good to know what’s out there), my money situation – have to pay attention to it all. But I do know that I have to write – have got to get up each day & put pen to paper.

I want people to leave me alone. Still have the freedom to call them. Hopefully this will be the last week that I get out. After this I should not be going out much. I should put my profile up on Bumble. God no – I’m one confused soul!


Published by appamprawns

soni writes about children and people in controlled spaces, in his quest for appam stew. homi writes in the hope of being able to buy prawns to make patiyo.

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